Help! The old lady’s getting fat, mean, and ugly!

Dear Abby,

Yes, you heard me right. What does a person do when the old lady is still singing but she’s also putting on lots of weight and she’s getting kind of mean, down and dirty.  It seems like she’s pissed off all the time.


Looking in the mirror


Dear looking in the mirror,

It has been said that the Eskimos would leave their old and frail out in the blizzards to expire.  How old is she?



Dear Abby,

She’s turning sixty next year so I’m afraid she has many, many years left, at least a decade, and if I left her in the blizzard (I’m from Minnesota), she’d likely survive, so that’s not a good idea.  Got anything else up your sleeve.

Looking in the mirror


Dear Looking in the mirror,

Yeah, sixty is a little young to be thinking about doing her in, though in some cultures that is considered a long life.  Unfortunately, for America that is, for the most part, not true.  Thus, your dilemna.

As far as her size, I would leave that one alone.  That problem will eventually solve itself  (if you get my drift).

Meanness and anger are both a natural part of the aging process.  There’s a quote circulating out there, “aging isn’t for sissies.” I think my mother (the former Dear Abby) may have likely coined it, though I haven’t received any of the residuals that would be due to me.  I think you will just need to stay out of her way as best you can. Help her realize some of her goals: a cruise to the Bahamas,  perhaps an affair with a younger man, or give her that home on Maui that she’s always longed for.  It may cost a little more than you have, but then again, she gave you life plus changed your diapers ten millions times or so.  What’s a little financial solvency worth compared to that?

Happy Holidays,



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jane
    Dec 23, 2010 @ 14:32:36



  2. Jo
    Dec 23, 2010 @ 18:23:06

    Fire Abby. She’s far too practical to be of any use whatsoever.

    Anyone looking for a job? Hours are good, as many as you can spare. Rewards great – a feeling of superiority and power.
    Pay -pay? What’s that?

    My recommendation, Mary, is that you take over the position of Abby yourself. You’re obviously far more qualified – and loved! An important qualification for a job of this magnitude.


  3. maryaltermanwrites
    Dec 29, 2010 @ 20:04:36

    there’s an Abby-voice sneaked into my writing. She had something to say on Facebook, too. guess she’s representing the voice of the masses?


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